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How to Spot an Abuser in a Lesbian or Gay Relationship

The number one problem with gay domestic violence is that there are plenty of men and women that are not willing to look at the signs. Abuse within GLBT (gay; lesbian; bisexual; transgender) circles has always been a large problem. Many people have always assumed this meant hate crimes and heterosexual people harming homosexuals. These days people are realizing that there is much more in-community violence within the relationships, than outside. Chances are, at some point in your life you, or someone you know, will be abused.

If you are looking at your life and you are afraid for your life, if you honestly believe there are two sides to your partner, the part you love and the part that wants to rip you apart, then you really need to seek help. If you just aren't sure if what is happening to you is truly abuse then you should consider some of the following questions.

These are some of the easiest ways to spot an abusive situation - though remember, when answering these questions you need to be honest with yourself. Do not make excuses or look for a way to save him/her. Understanding this situation is meant to help you - not to save him/her or your relationship.
  • Are you afraid of your partner?
  • Do you feel like there are two sides to your partner?
  • Has your partner ever choked, hit, slapped, or punched you?
  • If you have been hit did you feel like you deserved the punishment you received?
  • Did your partner attempt to make you feel like you deserved the attack on you?
  • Does your partner seem to change by being sweet one moment and the next by becoming evil?
  • Have you ever thought your partner might end up killing you?
  • Has your partner threatened to kill you or commit suicide if you leave?
  • Have you ever been forced to do something you seriously were against doing?
  • Does your partner attempt to control your life without your consent?
  • Have you lost contact with friends or family because of your relationship?
  • Have you lost a job because of your relationship?


If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions then you need to take the threat of domestic violence very seriously. No one wants to believe that it is happening to them though these are some of the biggest signs that you are a victim. When you lose everything because of your partner, and you base your life around what will not get you a beating, then you need to find a way to get help before it is too late.

When you think of your partner, how do you feel about him/her? Do you love them as much as the day you got together, or do you fear what would happen if you were to ever leave them? If it is the latter then you need to find a way out. If you are staying with him/her in hopes that you are going to protect yourself you may end up finding out you are wrong by ending up in the hospital - or worse. The longer you stay in the relationship the worse the abuse will become.

If you can honestly say your relationship has changed you, or that you have been forced physically (or emotionally) to do as your partner wishes, then it's time to find a solution to save you. The good news is that there are many national domestic violence help options for people in abusive same-sex situations. The GLBT community can turn to several places such as Lambda's Anti-Violence Unit, RAINN, or SAFE for support. These organizations can help you find a way to safely leave an abusive situation.

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